The following is the actual, complete index of Prisoner of Trebekistan.
Eventually, I’ll probably do a reading of some bits of this over some cool tiki lounge music or possibly a soaring heavy-metal power ballad. I have no idea why. It just sounds funny.
Adams, Abigail, combustibility of, 174
Adrenaline, 22, 44, 120, 164, 188, 276, 316
Allen, Woody, 46
Anchoring, 121-22, 124
Asia Minor, 133, 281, 309-310
Baboons, wild, chased by, 196, 273, 276-77
Badgers, ravenous, 124, 128
Bailey, Alan, 291-92
Barker, Craig, 148
Bate, Jeremy, 244, 266, 267, 272
Batman, 35
Bauhaus, 183
Beals, Jennifer, 184
Bell, Alexander Graham, unaware of bed construction, 206, 311
Berkeley, University of California at, 5, 21, 107, 147, 178, 237, 239
Berman, Steve, 303, 321
Bhutan, 4, 240-241, 272, 284, 286, 328
Bioluminescence, 116, 141, 264
Boleyn, Anne, self-portraits of, 39-40
Bones, rearranged surgically, 73, 302, 322
Bonobo chimpanzees, best form of hello ever, 197
Book of Common Prayer, 201, 325
Boone, Daniel, 68
Boong, not buzz or ring, 20
Borchardt, Bruce, 303-04, 307-08, 313-15, 317-19, 321
Borg, the, 118, 162
Brain-freeze, 24
Burnett, Carol, 218
Butterworth, Mrs., 118, 198, 203, 273
Camaros, "his & hers," 127, 129, 132, 142, 197-98, 291
Cameron, Burns, 14
Carroll, Lewis, 67, 102-03, 311-12, 317-20
Carroll, Robin, 16, 236, 245, 264-65, 273, 288
Cement, connected to chickens, 59
Cher, 226
Chernicoff, Steve, 303-04, 320
Chickasaw Indians, link to Elvis Presley’s sex life, 96
Cholinesterase inhibitors, 62, 64
Chumash Indians, 215
Cleveland sports teams, futility of, 9, 173-74, 190-92, 228
Clue Crew, living in van and fighting crime, 16
Coconuts, lovely bunch of, 12, 17, 327
Codpiece, armored, 6
Cognitive dissonance, 83
Concordance of the Bible, 69, 103, 136, 201
Coppola, Francis Ford, 325
Cooper, India, 244, 266, 289, 303-04
Corpses, dancing in cheese, 183
Costner, Kevin, on his knees, 110
Cover Girl, in a blowhole, 25
Cubbage, Tom, 289, 292-301, 309
Cuthbertson, John, 320
Damnation, eternal, 68
Daunt, Michael, 6, 16, 289, 303-04, 307-08, 311-20, 322
Day, Doris, blown to bits, 103
Dead guy, body of, used to signal the cops, 20
Dead Man Walking, 39, 149
DeGeneres, Ellen, 108
Den Hartog, Josh, 148
Depp, Johnny, 184
de Vere, Edward, seventeenth Earl of Oxford, 16, 60, 102-103, 269-70, 300
Die Hard, 20
Dotto, 12
Douglas, Michael, 307
Dracula, 326
Drug lords, Colombian, 75
Dwarf, kickboxing, used to memorize U.N. Secretaries-General, 97
Ebola, 159
Ecuador, place to flee to, 39, 76
Eightfold Path to Enlightened Jeopardy, 25, 28, 29, 38-39, 48-49, 60, 84, 109, 113, 124-25, 145, 151, 155-56, 171, 185, 239, 246, 293-94, 298
Einstein, Albert, 50, 136
Ephesians, disappointing relationship with, 55
Epstein, Frank, 293-95, 297-300
Erythema nodosum, 185-86, 254
Ethic of reciprocity, 200
Ettinger, Bob, 246
Fairy penguins, 284-86, 295
Farrell, Will, 15
Fight Club, 80, 195
Fillmore, Millard goddam, 23, 24, 28-29, 95, 192, 235
Flanders, Ned, cuckolded, 34
Fleming, Art, 13, 14
Flowers For Algernon, basis for film Charly, 215
Forearm, correct amount of, 75, 275
Ford, Harrison, 278, 307
Forrest, Chuck 6, 73-74, 85-87, 99-100, 103, 110-111, 116, 118, 123, 207, 236-37, 244, 264-67, 272, 288, 291, 301, 328
"Forrest Bounce," 6, 73, 85, 87, 149, 187
Forster, E. M., 89, 92
Fosse, Bob, 233
Frates, Leslie, 244, 264-66, 273, 289, 291-92
Freeman, Morgan, voice of, 5, 327
Friedman, Harry, 247, 248, 327
Fuel, discharged from shuttlecraft, 20
Game Show Congress, 220-21, 290
Gandhi, Mohandis K., 136, 157, 200
Gangs, dancing, in New York, 122, 271
Garfield, James, 205-06, 310-11
Garland, Judy, 168, 327
Gilbert, J.H. Company of Willoughby, Ohio, 56, 60-61, 63, 66, 70, 71, 74, 209
Gilbert, Johnny, 7, 14, 31, 152, 198, 234, 250, 292
Gilligan’s Island, 70
Gillispie, Scott 303-04
Glucocorticoids, stress response, 120, 254, 270
Goatskin, bloodstained, 80, 290, 303
Gödel, Kurt, 135, 150
"Go Lights," 35, 40, 50, 157, 161, 179-82, 245, 268, 269, 272, 307-08, 314
Graham, Heather, 214
Grant’s Tomb, 309
Grape jelly, your brain becoming, 48
Greed, 218-19, 221
Griffin, Julann, 11-12, 17
Griffin, Merv, 11-14, 16-18, 155, 158, 317; owns one-third of earth’s crust, 17; reincarnated, 114; keeper of ancient wisdom 114, 327
Gropius, Walter, 183
Gutowski, Paul 148
Hagia Sophia, 281
HAL computer, 244
Hale, Kyle, 303
Halicarnassus (Bodrum), 309-10
Harvard University, 5, 50, 147
Hats, red, various, 69, 241, 285, 322
Havel, Vaclav, 283
Hellman, Dara, 239, 321-23, 324-27
Heston, Charlton, 308
Hiawatha, eight-ton, fifty-foot-tall statue of, 11-13, 17, 145
High Rollers, 72
Hindenburg, the, 39
Hoffa, Jimmy, 313
Hopkins, Anthony, 115, 141, 193, 269, 310
Houdini, Harry, 43, 169
Howards End, 90-92; re-imagined as thirty-foot buttocks, 91-93, 317; actual end of a real guy named Howard, 219-20
"Incunabula," meaningless syllables, 189
Internal Revenue Service, 180
Ironwood, Michigan, 11, 14, 18, 325
Isolation booths, 12
Jackson, Andrew, owed a beer, 308
Jaws of Life, 18
Jell-O shooters, 137
Jennings, Ken 6, 9, 16, 94, 287-89, 295, 304; not giving a spongebath, 94; as Japanese monster movie, 287; penmanship of, 287-88; possible explosion of, 288
Jesus, 200, 281, 295
Jeopardy Mansion, lush, 152
Jeopardy Weapon, 21, 48, 112, 202, 257, 268, 293-94, 315
Jiu-jitsu, 107
Johnson, Kim "Howard," 219-20, 285
Jones, Inigo, 183
Kagan, Glenn, 45, 109, 118, 119, 127, 128, 158, 176, 246, 327
Kampala, Uganda, confused with Kigali, Rwanda, 259
Kazakhstan, many sheep of, 48
Keisters, various sizes, 11, 133, 219
Keller, Helen, 136
Kennedy, George, lack of bad breath, 115
Kenobi, Obi-Wan, 245
Kent, Clark, 22, 47
Kevlar, use by public school teachers, 81
Khan al-Khalili, both the novel and the souq, 314
King World Productions, 14
Knesset, different from Althing, 139, 265
Knickers, rubber, 57
Knutsen, Rick, 303-04, 321
Kung Fu Grip, realistic 21
"Lake effect" snow, 11, 61
Lauderdale, John, 29, 250, 305
Library of Alexandria, 69
Lincoln, Abraham, 19, 23, 137, 178, 190, 192
Lint rollers, 88
Lohan, Lindsay, 214
Lord of the Flies, 70, 128
Loud, Grant, 45, 109, 119, 128, 158, 176, 246, 327
Lowenthal, Mark, 85, 301
Luminiferous ether, 135
Luxor casino, as trans-millennial Dada masterpiece, 245
Mackenzie, Bob and Doug, 182
Mahfouz, Naguib, 314
"Manamana" song, applied to linguistic morphology, 225
Mandela, Nelson 283
Mann, Matt 22-23, 30, 43, 47, 56, 105, 107, 115, 150
Market research, completely useless, 13, 14, 15
Matrix, The, 300, 314
McCullers, Carson 184
McGuire, Jimmy, 314
McKellen, Ian, 270, 300
Melia, Dan, 68, 147, 157, 160, 162, 176, 177-79, 181-85, 187-90, 193, 201-02, 206, 210, 212, 215-16, 234-35, 237, 239, 247, 248, 268, 273, 288, 290, 301, 303-04, 307, 319-20, 321-23, 324-27
Miami Vice, 75
Miller, Arthur, 136
Miller, Chris, 320
Monkeywrenchfish, 189
Moo, 159
Mosquitoes, size of lawn darts, 18; bird-eating, 61; fighting with bare hands, 62; unlike any I remembered, 208
Mouse deer, 277
Mueller, Pam, 320
Muppets, The, 225
Neutron, Jimmy, 56
Newhouse, Eric, 244, 264-65, 267-72, 288, 289, 303, 307, 321
Norwegians, cruel, 83
Nugent, Ted, 186
"One-to-ones," 238, 299, 314
Oooh, the, 114, 152-53, 155, 156, 157, 193, 212, 217, 319
One-True-Eternal-Soulmates