Now that I’ve seen these two new TV ads,
and realized that they really will influence the thinking of millions
of drooling idiots, I have decided to take a position on global warming
which is every bit as clear-headed:

Multinational oil companies, despite the claims of Al Gore and his legion of activists and liberal media types, simply do not exist.

Oh,
sure, you hear all the time about “thousands” of “leading scientists”
from “all over the world” who have concluded that oil companies are not
only “real,” but the result of human activity.

But common sense (defined as what I
personally want to believe) tells us this simply isn’t true.  And
frankly, I’m tired of extremists using junk science and emotional
appeals to push a political agenda, particularly one that might make me
wonder if I am responsible for my own impact on the world.

And even if multinational oil companies really do exist, does that mean they’re the direct result of human activity?  Of course not.

It’s
a well-documented fact that oil companies have spontaneously increased
and decreased in number throughout our planet’s history, dating back to
the dinosaurs (as the Sinclair
logo so aptly demonstrates).  This is an entirely natural occurence. 
For alarmists to claim that the historically-recent surge in the
existence of mulitnational oil companies is somehow related to human activity defies logic, reason, and of course my common
sense.

Besides, industrial civilization, because humans exist in nature, is itself entirely natural.  Therefore, even if multinational oil companies were produced by human activity, they would be entirely natural, and therefore good for the environment.

But let’s not forget (in precisely the manner in which
climate change discussions are usually held) that the historical record
is entirely hypothetical, and secondary (even if contradictory) to the
main premise, which is:

Multinational companies simply do not exist.  Therefore, Al Gore is a self-promoting scoundrel.

That is all.  Please continue to breathe carbon dioxide in massive quantities.  This is entirely natural.