According to Scripps-Howard, security for the Bush coronation includes this bizarre, weirdly disconcerting instruction (which, unbelievably, I am not making up):

Other instructions given performers include a warning not to look directly at Bush while passing the presidential reviewing stand, not to look to either side and not to make any sudden movements.

WTF?  Are they afraid some Wisconsin marching band member is gonna be blinded by confronting pure evil?  (Hell, no.  Those people once elected Tommy Thompson, remember.  They’re perfectly fine with pure evil.)

Or maybe they’re worried some well-endowed drum majorette (whose metal baton won’t have made it through the screening, remember) is gonna try to cap the First Wanker with a well-timed swing of her ample bosom?

Come to think of it, that might be the answer.  Bush was a Deke, after all.  Maybe the Secret Service just thinks it would be undignified to begin a second term with a suddenly-aroused-by-eye-contact incumbent shouting "Whip ’em out!" before his hand even hits the Bible.

So the performers — which include (I quote):

"… color guards, pompon dancers, hand bell-ringers, drill teams on horseback, and Civil War re-enactors…"

are advised not to make any sudden movements.

Right. 

How, pray tell, do you re-enact the Civil War without making any sudden movements?

Seriously.  I want to know.

Do these people ever make any sense whatsoever?  I mean, ever?

Not making this up.

I guess it’s reassuring to know that the voltage being applied to your trinkets is at least powered by sustainable energy.

Although that would mean it could last longer.

Choices, choices.

No word yet on when Texas gets the solar-powered Death Chair.