May 16, 2007
In a move White House staffers describe as an attempt to shore up his remaining support, President Bush last night announced his intention to send National Guard troops to line his administration’s increasingly fragile border with Reality.
In a prime time speech broadcast live only by Fox News Channel and the Outdoor Life Network, Bush attempted to raise his sagging poll numbers back into double digits by employing the words “initiative,” “comprehensive,” and “solution,” spoken as if they were somehow related to the rest of the speech.
In last night’s address, the president took his case to the American people that Reality is “out of control,” and as a result he is dispatching “five schmillion” National Guard troops to patrol its borders.
“We are a nation of laws,” Bush declared, although it was unclear if he understood the words. “Reality is always welcome within our borders, when it is willing to cooperate with our laws and obey our commands. But Reality cannot enter this great nation in an uncontrollable tide. Therefore, tonight, I am announcing a comprehensive solution initiative.”
However, Bush displeased many of his remaining supporters by suggesting that limited “guest visits” from Reality might be part of the solution. “We all know what happens when you let just one stray fact in,” said one poster to the National Review Online. “Then comes another, another, and they start reproducing, and pretty soon we’ll be completely overrun.”
The speech was interrupted before it began when an NBC producer accidentally allowed the public to view President Bush for thirteen seconds of unscripted Reality. Everyone that producer has ever met will now have their phone calls placed into a database as potential Reality sympathizers. The producer himself is said to be resting comfortably on a waterboard.
The president’s plan, available in detail online if you close your eyes and think of your happiest place, includes requirements that Reality learn to speak English, “meaningful penalties” for Reality if it refuses to comply, and provisions to hold employers who allow Reality in their workplaces accountable.
However, if the schmillions of National Guard troops are unable to control Reality, the president asserted the right to use other options, including a series of air strikes, possibly including nuclear weapons. “Reality cannot be allowed to flout the international community. This is why we cannot wait for the United Nations to act,” Bush said.
“The use of the military, however, does not mean that this is militarization,” the president added, pretending to drink from an invisible teacup.
The president’s speech concluded with an attempt to appear reasonable and decent, primarily by using those specific words in a reassuring tone. “We must remember that much of Reality is reasonable and decent, and willing to do things that the rest of us aren’t willing to, or can’t even understand how,” the president said. “America itself was founded on a limited amount of Reality. Initiative. Comprehensive. Solution.”
Asked for comment, Karl Rove, currently under house arrest while awaiting sentencing for perjury and obstruction of justice, replied, “I am not under house arrest. I am winning the war in Iraq. Care for some tea?”
Reality did not return calls from the media.
