Which is to say: yes, the Indians sucked all year long, exactly as predicted here during the first game in April.

Several people who have read Prisoner of Trebekistan have asked if being a Cleveland sports fan is really as bad as I describe in the book.

It’s worse.

Now that it’s the last day of the regular season, let’s look back at a summer destined to go
down on history, because that’s the only way history is going to
remember it:

The leadoff hitter who was given $24 million after batting .289 last year… batted .290 this year.  (He’s actually turning into a fine player, however.  So the snark in his case is admittedly a bit unfair.)

The second hitter with not much power or speed had arguably the best
all-around year of his career.  He’s not a threat to reach 40 homers
and 40 steals like Alfonso Soriano.  He’s not likely to
reach the 30-30 club, or even 20-20.  Or 10-10.  But
he did manage to go 9-9, a mark only bettered by fifty other guys.

So
that’s exciting.

The front office traded the first baseman who can’t hit lefthanders for another
first baseman with zero career home runs.  (He now has three in 175
trips to the plate, so if he somehow doubles his output next year,
he’ll have about one-third as much power as the Phillies’ rookie first
baseman.)  Then they traded the second baseman with a career average of
about .270 for another second baseman who hit about .270, then replaced
him with a career minor leaguer.  This was actually a slight improvement.

You get the idea.  There was never, ever any hope this year.

That’s not to say the Indians have no good players.  They’ve got Travis
Hafner, a first baseman who can’t field his position, so long-term he can
only really be used as a DH.  Plus, they’ve got Ryan Garko, a promising
rookie first baseman who
can’t really field his position, so long-term he can only be used at DH. 
They’ve also got Victor Martinez, a catcher-turned-first baseman who
can’t field either position, so long-term he can only be used at DH. 

All they need now are guys to play about seven more spots on the field,
and they’re golden.  Plus about seven more decent pitchers.

The Browns,
meanwhile, have not won a football game all year.  As I write this,
they’re currently playing the Raiders, who have also not won a game all
year.  The Raiders are beating the Browns 21-3.  It doesn’t even look that close.

And yet here’s the thing: I love sports. 

This is why I spent Friday night in a bar in Santa Monica, watching the
Aussie Rules Grand Final, cheering for my buddy Jono’s favorite team. 
(Go Weagles!)  This is why I spent part of my workday yesterday watching Arsenal pull out a come-from-behind victory against Charlton.  This is why I keep Munster and Western Province matches on the Tivo.  This is why I’ll be in Sydney again in a few months, screaming my head off over the Ashes.

Basically, if I pick a team to root for in every sport played on earth, somebody has to win a title now and again.  It sure as sh*t ain’t happening any other way.

If you don’t understand why a guy who spent his whole life watching the
Browns and Indians now buys satellite subscription services from halfway around the world, just so he can
cheer for guys named Cesc Fabregas, Ronan O’Gara, and Bolla Conradie, you have not watched enough Cleveland sports.


I would like to tell you that I, for one, have.

But gosh, a couple of the Indians’ rookies actually looked pretty
good… maybe next year, I have actually thought to myself today. 
Several times.

Maybe next year.

Actually, maybe around 2009.  Maybe.

Sigh.