A Clockwork Orange, 137

Adams, Abigail, combustibility of, 174

Adrenaline, 22, 44, 120, 164, 188, 276, 316

Allen, Woody, 46

Anchoring, 121-22, 124

Asia Minor, 133, 281, 309-310

Baboons, wild, chased by, 196, 273, 276-77

Badgers, ravenous, 124, 128

Bailey, Alan, 291-92

Barker, Craig, 148

Bate, Jeremy, 244, 266, 267, 272

Batman, 35

Bauhaus, 183

Beals, Jennifer, 184

Bell, Alexander Graham, unaware of bed construction, 206, 311

Berkeley, University of California at, 5, 21, 107, 147, 178, 237, 239

Berman, Steve, 303, 321

Bhutan, 4, 240-241, 272, 284, 286, 328

Bioluminescence, 116, 141, 264

Boleyn, Anne, self-portraits of, 39-40

Bones, rearranged surgically, 73, 302, 322

Bonobo chimpanzees, best form of hello ever, 197

Book of Common Prayer, 201, 325

Boone, Daniel, 68

Boong, not buzz or ring, 20

Borchardt, Bruce, 303-04, 307-08, 313-15, 317-19, 321

Borg, the, 118, 162

Brain-freeze, 24

Burnett, Carol, 218

Butterworth, Mrs., 118, 198, 203, 273

Camaros, "his & hers," 127, 129, 132, 142, 197-98, 291

Cameron, Burns, 14

Carroll, Lewis, 67, 102-03, 311-12, 317-20

Carroll, Robin, 16, 236, 245, 264-65, 273, 288

Cement, connected to chickens, 59

Cher, 226

Chernicoff, Steve, 303-04, 320

Chickasaw Indians, link to Elvis Presley’s sex life, 96

Cholinesterase inhibitors, 62, 64

Chumash Indians, 215

Cleveland sports teams, futility of, 9, 173-74, 190-92, 228

Clue Crew, living in van and fighting crime, 16

Coconuts, lovely bunch of, 12, 17, 327

Codpiece, armored, 6

Cognitive dissonance, 83

Concordance of the Bible, 69, 103, 136, 201

Coppola, Francis Ford, 325

Cooper, India, 244, 266, 289, 303-04

Corpses, dancing in cheese, 183

Costner, Kevin, on his knees, 110

Cover Girl, in a blowhole, 25

Cubbage, Tom, 289, 292-301, 309

Cuthbertson, John, 320

Damnation, eternal, 68

Daunt, Michael, 6, 16, 289, 303-04, 307-08, 311-20, 322

Day, Doris, blown to bits, 103

Dead guy, body of, used to signal the cops, 20

Dead Man Walking, 39, 149

DeGeneres, Ellen, 108

Den Hartog, Josh, 148

Depp, Johnny, 184

de Vere, Edward, seventeenth Earl of Oxford, 16, 60, 102-103, 269-70, 300

Die Hard, 20

Dotto, 12

Douglas, Michael, 307

Dracula, 326

Drug lords, Colombian, 75

Dwarf, kickboxing, used to memorize U.N. Secretaries-General, 97

Ebola, 159

Ecuador, place to flee to, 39, 76

Eightfold Path to Enlightened Jeopardy, 25, 28, 29, 38-39, 48-49, 60, 84, 109, 113, 124-25, 145, 151, 155-56, 171, 185, 239, 246, 293-94, 298

Einstein, Albert, 50, 136

Ephesians, disappointing relationship with, 55

Epstein, Frank, 293-95, 297-300

Erythema nodosum, 185-86, 254

Ethic of reciprocity, 200

Ettinger, Bob, 246

Fairy penguins, 284-86, 295

Farrell, Will, 15

Fight Club, 80, 195

Fillmore, Millard goddam, 23, 24, 28-29, 95, 192, 235

Flanders, Ned, cuckolded, 34

Fleming, Art, 13, 14

Flowers For Algernon, basis for film Charly, 215

Forearm, correct amount of, 75, 275

Ford, Harrison, 278, 307

Forrest, Chuck 6, 73-74, 85-87, 99-100, 103, 110-111, 116, 118, 123, 207, 236-37, 244, 264-67, 272, 288, 291, 301, 328

"Forrest Bounce," 6, 73, 85, 87, 149, 187

Forster, E. M., 89, 92

Fosse, Bob, 233

Frates, Leslie, 244, 264-66, 273, 289, 291-92

Freeman, Morgan, voice of, 5, 327

Friedman, Harry, 247, 248, 327

Fuel, discharged from shuttlecraft, 20

Game Show Congress, 220-21, 290

Gandhi, Mohandis K., 136, 157, 200

Gangs, dancing, in New York, 122, 271

Garfield, James, 205-06, 310-11

Garland, Judy, 168, 327

Gilbert, J.H. Company of Willoughby, Ohio, 56, 60-61, 63, 66, 70, 71, 74, 209

Gilbert, Johnny, 7, 14, 31, 152, 198, 234, 250, 292

Gilligan’s Island, 70

Gillispie, Scott 303-04

Glucocorticoids, stress response, 120, 254, 270

Goatskin, bloodstained, 80, 290, 303

Gödel, Kurt, 135, 150

"Go Lights," 35, 40, 50, 157, 161, 179-82, 245, 268, 269, 272, 307-08, 314

Graham, Heather, 214

Grant’s Tomb, 309

Grape jelly, your brain becoming, 48

Greed, 218-19, 221

Griffin, Julann, 11-12, 17

Griffin, Merv, 11-14, 16-18, 155, 158, 317; owns one-third of earth’s crust, 17; reincarnated, 114; keeper of ancient wisdom 114, 327

Gropius, Walter, 183

Gutowski, Paul 148

Hagia Sophia, 281

HAL computer, 244

Hale, Kyle, 303

Halicarnassus (Bodrum), 309-10

Harvard University, 5, 50, 147

Hats, red, various, 69, 241, 285, 322

Havel, Vaclav, 283

Hellman, Dara, 239, 321-23, 324-27

Heston, Charlton, 308

Hiawatha, eight-ton, fifty-foot-tall statue of, 11-13, 17, 145

High Rollers, 72

Hindenburg, the, 39

Hoffa, Jimmy, 313

Hopkins, Anthony, 115, 141, 193, 269, 310

Houdini, Harry, 43, 169

Howards End, 90-92; re-imagined as thirty-foot buttocks, 91-93, 317; actual end of a real guy named Howard, 219-20

"Incunabula," meaningless syllables, 189

Internal Revenue Service, 180

Ironwood, Michigan, 11, 14, 18, 325

Isolation booths, 12

Jackson, Andrew, owed a beer, 308

Jaws of Life, 18

Jell-O shooters, 137

Jennings, Ken 6, 9, 16, 94, 287-89, 295, 304; not giving a spongebath, 94; as Japanese monster movie, 287; penmanship of, 287-88; possible explosion of, 288

Jesus, 200, 281, 295

Jeopardy Mansion, lush, 152

Jeopardy Weapon, 21, 48, 112, 202, 257, 268, 293-94, 315

Jiu-jitsu, 107

Johnson, Kim "Howard," 219-20, 285

Jones, Inigo, 183

Kagan, Glenn, 45, 109, 118, 119, 127, 128, 158, 176, 246, 327

Kampala, Uganda, confused with Kigali, Rwanda, 259

Kazakhstan, many sheep of, 48

Keisters, various sizes, 11, 133, 219

Keller, Helen, 136

Kennedy, George, lack of bad breath, 115

Kenobi, Obi-Wan, 245

Kent, Clark, 22, 47

Kevlar, use by public school teachers, 81

Khan al-Khalili, both the novel and the souq, 314

King World Productions, 14

Knesset, different from Althing, 139, 265

Knickers, rubber, 57

Knutsen, Rick, 303-04, 321

Kung Fu Grip, realistic 21

"Lake effect" snow, 11, 61

Lauderdale, John, 29, 250, 305

Library of Alexandria, 69

Lincoln, Abraham, 19, 23, 137, 178, 190, 192

Lint rollers, 88

Lohan, Lindsay, 214

Lord of the Flies, 70, 128

Loud, Grant, 45, 109, 119, 128, 158, 176, 246, 327

Lowenthal, Mark, 85, 301

Luminiferous ether, 135

Luxor casino, as trans-millennial Dada masterpiece, 245

Mackenzie, Bob and Doug, 182

Mahfouz, Naguib, 314

"Manamana" song, applied to linguistic morphology, 225

Mandela, Nelson 283

Mann, Matt 22-23, 30, 43, 47, 56, 105, 107, 115, 150

Market research, completely useless, 13, 14, 15

Matrix, The, 300, 314

McCullers, Carson 184

McGuire, Jimmy, 314

McKellen, Ian, 270, 300

Melia, Dan, 68, 147, 157, 160, 162, 176, 177-79, 181-85, 187-90, 193, 201-02, 206, 210, 212, 215-16, 234-35, 237, 239, 247, 248, 268, 273, 288, 290, 301, 303-04, 307, 319-20, 321-23, 324-27

Miami Vice, 75

Miller, Arthur, 136

Miller, Chris, 320

Monkeywrenchfish, 189

Moo, 159

Mosquitoes, size of lawn darts, 18; bird-eating, 61; fighting with bare hands, 62; unlike any I remembered, 208

Mouse deer, 277

Mueller, Pam, 320

Muppets, The, 225

Neutron, Jimmy, 56

Newhouse, Eric, 244, 264-65, 267-72, 288, 289, 303, 307, 321

Norwegians, cruel, 83

Nugent, Ted, 186

"One-to-ones," 238, 299, 314

Oooh, the, 114, 152-53, 155, 156, 157, 193, 212, 217, 319

One-True-Eternal-Soulmates

The amount of nicotine in most
cigarettes rose an average of almost 10 percent from 1998 to 2004, with
brands most popular with young people and minorities registering the
biggest increases and highest nicotine content, according to a new
study.

[I]n a 1,653-page opinion released two
weeks ago in a landmark suit against the major tobacco companies by the
federal government and several anti-smoking organizations, the judge
found that cigarette makers adjusted nicotine levels with great care.

At the request of relatives, about 200 Flat Daddy and Flat Mommy photos have been enlarged and printed at the state National Guard headquarters in Augusta. The families cut out the photos, which show the Guard members from the waist up, and glue them to a $2 piece of foam board.

"We decide very quickly whether a person possesses many of the traits we feel are important, such as likeability and competence, even though we have not exchanged a single word with them. It appears that we are hard-wired to draw these inferences in a fast, unreflective way."